First and foremost, I would like to make note of the fact that the longer I do this, the easier it's getting. Yes, there's cheat days, and yes, there's small amounts of sugar usually each day (one or two hard candies, or a square of chocolate) - but for the most part, I feel as if my insulin has regulated itself impressively well after all this time. I think this is my 7th week now, not sure. So that's almost two months.
I'm cutting it because it's long ... follow the link below to read the rest of the post
There's one big reason that's allowed me to come to this conclusion - and that was my coworker date to Yogurtland on Monday. (for those of you who haven't been, Yogurtland is a magical place full of self-serve frozen yogurt with EVERY SINGLE TOPPING your heart could ever desire. And you pay by the ounce. Easy to see why I can't regulate when I go!). So one of my cute coworkers hadn't been and wanted to - she actually sent me an outlook meeting request for the event. haha. So I ate a little less than usual and SUPER clean all day monday because I knew I was going to be major cheating monday night. And I did. I won't even share how much it cost - it's embarrassing. Pretty sure I have a second and third stomach when it comes to sweets (but we knew this, hence the entire point of the blog?)
What's stuck with me, however - is that Tuesday was ROUGH. I felt fidgety in my brain, and like I was constantly on the prowl. I kept my eyes peeled for any cookies or cakes or candies at work (they're EVERYWHERE) - with of course the intent to cheat. I wound up having like, 2 hard candies and I think one or two macadamia hershey's kisses. Not too bad, considering I was ready to dive head first into a pie. The mental part was of interest as well - Many times (okay, almost ALL the time) I think to myself "this one time won't matter" - or - "this isnt reaaalllly a cheat" ... Funny the way we lie to ourselves. I can't remember exactly what I ate, but I know for lunch I probably had more actual food than I should have, but it was all chicken and veg. I think I just had a bit too much chicken, but I was trying to cram in the protein to STOP the cravings.
I'm starting to ramble, so here's my point: Yogurtland is my own personal heaven. I love it. I don't hold any ill will against it's unhealthy attributes - and if given the opportunity to eat there every day and not go broke / get fat / still feel physically well - I would. But these things aren't possible. And the fact that I could tell such a marked difference after one night actually makes me more motivated to not even have those types of cheats. Which is why I say - this is very slowly (but surely) getting easier.
I think I have gone / will go through some rough phases:
- Phase 1 : Simply trying to cut out the overt sugar
- Phase 2: Working on adding more protein (phase 1 and 2 were not concerned with amounts of food - can only battle one at a time)
- Phase 3: (current) Trying to fine-tune the foods that I'm eating - more veg, more water, less food all together, and little to no alcohol.
- Phase 4: (or what I imagine it will be...) Not feeling like I need to have cheat days/meals/moments
- Phase 5: ????
830: Protein smoothie (was running - no pun intended - out the door to orthoped)
100: Protein bar and black tea
400: fruit and nut and honey bar, turkey jerky, a can of pears in juice
830: 2 eggs scrambled with 1 egg white, zucchini, tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms - 4ish oz sweet potato with ketchup/bbq, one of those single serving vanilla ice cream things.
I had no intention of going this long between meals, and at the 4pm and 8pm meal I was definitely STARVING but had been running around a lot and that's when I found time. Also - Nicole and I had a HELL of a workout yesterday with Brandon. It was a circuit workout, but all in all I did: 40 105# deadlifts, 80 pushups, and 120 14# wallballs. Yeesh. No wonder I was hungry.
An interesting article on the timing of when you eat
ALSO: Results of orthopedic MD: Xray showed nothing, still - this means no stress fracture as the calcification of the healing would have shown by now. Next up: MRI. Possibly cortizone injections? Sounds like tendonitis. To be continued.
The universe is *SCREAMING* a few different things at me lately. And what I mean by that is - there's certain themes that are coming up over and over that life is trying to teach me. People who don't even know eachother are saying the same things to me - some old, some new.
One, of course, that I've been working on forever it seems - is kindness. Kindness for yourself. It's so easy (for me, at least) to claim failure and throw my hands up in exasperation. To claim failure and cry about it. To claim failure and punish myself for it. (The fact is, I also set myself up for failure by making ridiculous goals - but that's a whole 'nother head shrinking for another day).
I've got enough of the type A personality (Brig, sound familiar?) to where I want to do EVERYTHING right. Brig, where you have an all-or-nothing approach (you feel as if you cannot do it 110% correct, you won't do it at all), it's really easy to be your own (very) worst critic. The inner critic is the meanest one, too. So.... how to make it stop.... I don't know yet, but I'm trying. Some things I've realized as of late that help are...
- Okay, so my BMI is officially back into the "overweight" category - but we all know that BMI is retarded and inaccurate - and yesterday I noticed as I was walking down the street, looking at a thinner girl in front of me ... I thought to myself "I'm a hell of a lot stronger than you are" .. In the past it would have been self-pity and "Why can't I be that thin?"
- Two or three weeks ago I was with my mother - and she said something that has stuck with me and continued to make me feel insecure (don't all mothers?). We were talking about training vs cardio (she used to do fitness competitions) and she was giving suggestions on how to lean out - none of which I agree with, but still I appreciate the suggestions. At that point she looked at me and said "you know...... you do know your arms are HUGE, right?" ..... Yeah, mom. I see them. Thanks. This crushed my heart a little bit, and I grappled with it for a few days. But you know what? For the first time in my life, I can do a set of legitimate, full bodied pushups. I'm talking hands next to chest, elbows back (not out), and lifting entire body as a plank instead of "peeling" off the ground as lots of people do. The last two weeks in a row I've done roughly 100 of them per week, 50-60% of those being strict form (the rest on knees) Y'know what else I can do? PR my bench press at 93#. So - Fuck yes, my arms are huge. And the numbers show it.
- Continuing the Paleo itself is a way I've been kind. It's afforded me the ability to (mostly) stop my obsessive-compulsive pattern of calorie counting. (Hundreds of you have mental issues with this too, I know you do - I'm just one of the only ones that will admit it. Funny how once I bring it up, the floodgates open and all my girlfriends admit to the same, crippling, all-consuming obsessive issues with what they put in their mouths). It's good to be aware of what you're eating - don't get me wrong - and I still actually am toying with the idea of re-starting a food journal, but that's because I think I've gotten past a few major hurdles already and am well enough to look at it without judgement. Or at least less than I used to. I've said it a thousand times - but balancing out my glycemic index and insulin spikes have changed. everything.
- Yesterday was another mile marker in something i've been keeping count of. At my worst, between emotional turmoil and major physical body crave and crash - I would often consume sugar/junk in a fashion in which I felt I could not control. I've not eaten anything I felt like I didn't have control over in seven weeks. In my past that's no big deal - but over the last 6-8 months, that's like winning the god damn olympics.
- Yesterday I took a nap instead of going to my second workout of the day. And I didn't feel one damn bit bad about it. and it was glorious.
- I've stopped crying over the foot. Yes, It's inhibiting my cardio. Yes, if I could do more cardio I'd probably lean out like I want to. Yes, it REALLY sucks that it had to happen - But after 3 months of feeling bad for myself and avoiding the doctor, I'm f-ing over it. I want it healed, and I want it healed now. And I want to run a FULL marathon next year - That's not going to happen sitting around feeling sorry over an injury that I can't reverse.
Brig and Kimmy: Sounds like you are both losing! Brig the smallest size of pants in 12 years?! I'm so proud of you (I hope this isn't stress-induced, however?) And Kimmy your scale is going down farther! Super exciting stuff :) My scale is going UP - But in the long run I think this is a good thing. It's all muscle mass - bc for the first time I am eating enough protein to HEAL my muscles - and, well, it FORCES me to remember that for my body, the scale is irrelevant.
Brig: Re: Challenge .... Is this just another month of the one we all started on? Well, the one I failed on prior to the Paleo? I'm apprehensive.
Good lord I've been writing for over an hour. I need to go do some work.